Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
