there's paper in my vomit.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
What a dumb baby whore.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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