just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
