Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
