I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
