I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
