Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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