So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
