I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
