He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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