so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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