everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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