Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My cat gives me a boner
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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