Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i just had sex bonerless
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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