New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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