just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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