what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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