I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My penis needs a shock collar
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
