I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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