I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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