I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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