so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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