I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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