I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
