the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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