You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
