What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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