I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
