There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Pants are for mortals
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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