I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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