my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
