I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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