Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My balls are so social today.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
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