The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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