Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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