my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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