i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize