It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
