my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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