i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
