You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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