i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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