Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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