I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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