allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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