I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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