So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
