i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
