i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
