i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
