Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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