I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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