You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
