shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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