i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
