I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
